California HSR Completes Railhead Head

The California High Speed Rail Authority cut the ribbon Wednesday on a temporary outdoor “Honey Bucket” toilet south of Wasco at their railhead facility. “This marks a great milestone in the construction of California’s transformational high-speed rail project,” said Governor Gavin Newsom, who attended the event.

The toilet, which was to be installed in 1996, was delayed due to multiple lawsuits and an extended environmental review process. A new habitat for a displaced population of rare Central Valley sand newts had to be created outside of Fresno before the endangered species could be transplanted from the site to make room for the toilet.

In addition, Wasco negotiated a $170 million, 16-lane freeway expansion of the dirt path that once ran past the site. The high-speed rail authority picked up roughly 95 percent of the cost. An almond tree also had to be replaced for an undisclosed amount.

“I can’t wait to drop a big steaming log in there,” said Newsom. “Am I president yet?”

“I’m working on legislation to reduce these burdens so we can get stuff built in a human lifetime,” said State Senator Scott Wiener, before sobbing, taking a long swig of Jack Daniels, and slamming his own head repeatedly into the lectern.

The high-speed rail authority provided free bowls of extra spicy chilly and cans of Lysol spray at the event. The hope was to battle test the new Honey Bucket.

“Americans would rather waste money on porta-potties for roads than building socialist hippy dippy poopy pots for trains,” said U.S. DOT Secretary Sean Duffy, before accepting a bag of cash from a Chevron rep.

The preceding was an April Fools’ post based on the publicity the Authority created (at the Governor’s request) around the construction of the “railhead,” a storage yard that really didn’t warrant a press event.